White Rabbit

What a year 2015 has been for me. Travelling alone to Amsterdam and Perth and celebrating the New Year with family in London is definitely the highlight of the year. I couldn't have wished for a better way for 2015 to start and end. Like any other year, 2015 has been a rollercoaster ride full of ups and downs. Enlisting in March did not help me at all but it definitely changed me for the better. National Service pushed me way beyond what I thought my limits were, it taught me certain traits about myself that I never thought I had in me, it also revealed the mental weakness in me. Yes, physically I became stronger but mentally, I do not know. I wouldn't say I'm mentally stronger but rather I'd call it being able to think more freely and out of the norm. I found myself frequently questioning conventions at every level and it has gotten me into trouble sometimes but that's me. I'm not a yes man anymore. I'd want to know the rationale and reason before carrying out certain tasks. I used to hate NS. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing my family only on weekends, I couldn't adjust to the regimentation, I couldn't accept the fact that I am in the 16th mono intake, an intake of ITE students, poly dropouts and those who never went on to do tertiary education. Funny how this group of people are immediately deemed as a man not good enough for command school due to our academic qualifications when some of us showed more leadership qualities than the commanders there. It was depressing to see my friends in Tekong with an opportunity to go on to command school while here I am stuck in Mandai Hill Camp condemned to be a trooper, or a man in a less respectful way to call it, for the next 2 years. I never thought I'd be happy there but I was proven wrong. Yes my PTP and BMT buddy is a gangster and immature as f*ck but when he left us to serve 18 months in RTC, I actually felt like something is missing from me. We've had our fair share of arguments, we were both strong characters in our own way and we never apologise for our actions as Long as we are able to justify for it. He taught me what brotherhood in the army was. He fought for himself, he fought for his platoon, he fought for his superiors and it says a lot about him. 5 months on and I can still remember the last time we said goodbye to him before his court hearing. 2015 was also the year people came and go in my life but I Guess that's a normal thing that happens to most if not all right? People are temporary. Most I lost through the lack of contact, few I lost cause of what I felt for them. I felt sad. I felt like I gave my all to try and keep in touch but they just didn't bother to reply back. I felt unimportant as though the friendship I offered wasn't enough for a reply. Was I not good enough as a Friend? Or am I not worth keeping in touch? I find myself questioning these even up till today. I admit sometimes I'm not good enough a Friend, I've done some stuff which I regret and some which I truly don't even though it's wrong but is it wrong to be selfish once in a while? Too much of selflessness hurts, too much of selfishness hurts as well. I've also lost contact with 2 girls, one whom I've liked for a year and another who I used to like and know for nearly 5 years. The first was someone different. She used to be the only I remember everything about when I first saw her, from her red high cut converse shoes to what shift she was working that day. She's the first one who I mustered up all my courage and ask for her number. Something about her was different and I realised It to the point that I started to have feelings for her but I Guess I shouldn't have. The second girl is someone I still treasure a lot for she influenced me to be who I am today. She got me through the early stages of army life and motivated me to give my all allowing me to be a contender for best recruit. She called me a bro, her twin, her Best Friend but unfortunately, I've never felt like one. She made new friends and forgot about the ones who stayed. I felt neglected. It takes two hands to clap for it to work be it friendships or relationships but I was the only one clapping and I made the hardest decision to stop doing so. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the bad guy for breaking off this friendship? Am I? I don't know. There's this person though who I've known for quite a while and gotten really close recently. I never thought she'd have such a different personality and character than all the people I've met and known. She has a strong set of moral values and principles which I really admire and respect. She's someone I'd stick by through thick and thin no matter what happens. I've seen her smile, I've seen her cry and it sucks when that happens and I promise to always try and make things better. She and everything else that has happened to me this year, all the heartbreaks, all the tears, all the smiles I've put on a face, inspired me to decide on what I want to do in the future. To be a journalist, to travel the world to put on smiles on the faces of those less privileged than me. To make an impact for some people have impacted mine. It makes me smile to see others be happy too. 2015 has not been the perfect ending I wanted but I'm just so thankful and appreciative for all the good things that happen with some being really unexpected. Maybe that's what turning 21 into the early stages of adulthood is like. Most people would be excited for what 2016 has to offer but I'm just gonna take it one step at a time and go with the flow. I am not happy but neither am I not sad. I am just... satisfied. Let's bring on 2016 ☺️